Tit-for-Tat

When co-parents go tit-for-tat, it can feel like an emotionally exhausting tennis match for kids of divorce.

Going tit-for-tat with your co-parent may not only be futile but can also exacerbate your kids' feelings of feeling caught in the middle of a no-win tug-of-war.

Let’s break down how co-parents going tit-for-tat can impact kids of divorce and what co-parents and kids can do to help get through this.

Tit-for-Tat, Explained

Think:

“If you do this, then I’ll do that” or

‘If mum takes the kids swimming during the holidays, then dad takes the kids swimming but at a cooler pool’ or

‘If dad’s partner is invited, then mum’s partner is invited too AND her best friend’

Tit-for-Tat, from the Kids’ Perspective

When co-parents go tit-for-tat it is like watching an exhausting, boring tennis match that you’ve seen again, and again, and again.

You already know how it starts, when it’s going to get intense, and ultimately how it ends.

It can feel like emotional whiplash and a no-win tug-of-war, leaving you are stuck in the middle.

Take the below simple example:

You have a netball game on Saturday.

You leave for school on Wednesday morning, knowing you’re going to dad’s that afternoon. You go to get out of the car and mum says to you “I’ll pick you up from dad’s on Saturday morning and take you to your netball game”.

Instantly, you start thinking ‘has mum told dad about this?’, ‘Isn’t Saturday morning’s still Dad’s time?’

You stress about it all day at school.

You get in the car with dad after school that afternoon and dad asks you if you’re excited for your netball game on Saturday.

You definitely were, until you felt like you were standing at the starting line of the next argument between your mum and dad.

You tell dad that mum said she was going to take you to the netball game.

Dad says “well she hasn’t told me that”. You can tell dad wanted to take you too.  

You try to focus on the fact that it is nice both of your parents want to take you to your netball game, but you’re really focusing on whether this is about your netball game or the ongoing drama about “whose time” it is.

Dad says, “whatever, your mum can take you to netball on Saturday, but I will come take you to soccer on Tuesday”.

Tit-for-tat, you’ve seen this before, you know how it starts, when it gets intense and how it’s going to end.

Maybe it would just be easier if you didn’t play netball or soccer.

Empathising with the Co-Parents

Co-parents, I will try to level with you.

I can understand why you would want to be the ‘cool’ or ‘favourite’ parent.

I can understand why you might feel like something is unjust if your co-parent has done something that you don’t agree with.

I can understand why you might say things you don’t mean when you are heightened emotionally.

But what I understand most of all, is how your reaction to all of the above can impact your child.

So, What’s the Solution?

Co-parents

You’re allowed to be human. No one is taking that away from you. You are allowed to react and vent to your circle. BUT, and it’s a big BUT, this should not come out by way of playing the exhausting, and frankly boring, tit-for-tat game with your co-parent that is ultimately just going to end up impacting your child more than anyone.

If a situation arises that would naturally cause you to react, focus on responding in an effective and appropriate way that doesn’t involve your child but embodies respectful co-parent communication.

Don’t forget: your responses, actions and words are what your child is watching and learning from.

If you’re thinking “oh my kids won’t notice”, I am here to tell you they will. Bluntly, but respectfully, they will.

Keep the adult stuff between the adults. Communicate like an adult and keep the kids out of it.  

Kids

If your parents are playing the tit-fort-tat game and you’re feeling caught in the middle, you are not alone.

I know it can feel difficult sometimes to see your parents in different lights – some good, and some not so good.

If you’re feeling caught in the middle, always remember that you have the ability to communicate. Remember to follow the three steps:

1. What am I trying to say?

2. What do I want the outcome to be?

3. How am I going to say this?

You can read more about this in the ‘Communication’ Blog here.

Remember, how your parents choose to react and communicate with each other is not your responsibility, nor your fault, even though it may feel like it sometimes.

You are the kid. Your parents are the adults, and it is up to them to communicate effectively, and appropriately without involving you.

You Are Not Alone

No one can ever take away the unique position you find yourself in, but you are not alone.

If you are a kid of divorce or co-parent who is stuck in the exhausting tit-for-tat cycle, it’s OK to feel however you are feeling.

Focus on the things that are in your control, whether that be effective communication, showing respect for your co-parent or speaking up and reaching out for help when things get tricky.

You’ve got this and again, you are not alone.