Loyalty

Every kid of divorce wants to be loyal to both parents.

But what about when being loyal to one parent conflicts with your loyalty to the other parent?

Read on to learn more.

Define Loyalty

Loyalty is a deep sense of allegiance or commitment to someone.

Some characteristics of loyalty can include:

• Trust

• Love

• Respect

• Honesty

Why is Loyalty Important?

Loyalty is important because it can build trust and strengthen relationships.

It can help cultivate a sense of belonging and meaning to someone important in your life.

Why is Loyalty Important to Kids of Divorce?

Like any human being, kids of divorce often seek to be loyal to both of their parents.

So Why Can Loyalty Be a Touchy Subject for Kids of Divorce?

Introducing:…… loyalty conflicts.

Loyalty conflicts happen when a kid of divorce feels torn between their parents. It’s that feeling you get when you are made to feel as though you have to pick a ‘side’.

A real-life example of a loyalty conflict is when two co-parents have an argument. Parent 1 is upset with Parent 2. The kid is super excited to see Parent 2 but doesn’t want to show this excitement to Parent 1 out of fear or guilt that it might upset Parent 1.

Another real-life example is when a kid finishes their soccer game. Both parents have come to watch. The kid wants to see both parents immediately after the game, but the parents aren’t standing together. The kid is experiencing a loyalty conflict – who do I go hug first? Will mum get upset if I go to dad first? Will dad be upset if I go to mum first?

As a kid of divorce, and having experienced many loyalty conflicts throughout my childhood, I can truly and deeply honestly say: loyalty conflicts suck. They can also be really hard to navigate.

So, What’s the Solution?

For Kids:

1. Remember: It is not your responsibility to choose sides. Remembering that you cannot control your parents’ reactions will help reduce any guilt or emotional stress you are experiencing.

   
   

2. Focus on your own feelings. As easy as it can be to put everybody else’s feelings before your own, it is important to put your own feelings first. By focusing on your own feelings first you can build the strength to realise that your parents’ emotions are out of your control.

   
   

3. Communicate! Communicate! Communicate! Communicating with your parents can help you put any loyalty conflicts out in the open and get them off of your chest. Communication can help you express that you love both parents and that you don’t want to choose sides.

Kids, feeling conflicted can be tough. Trust me, I get it. But, if you put the above 3 points into action, you can help yourself avoid that conflicting feeling. You’ve got this.

For Co-Parents:

1. Plain and simple: don’t put your kids in a position where they feel as though they have to pick a side. If you have conflict with your co-parent, keep it between the adults. Don’t allow it to seep into your kids’ relationship with their other parent.

   
   

   One of the easiest ways to avoid making your kid feel as though they have to choose a side is by explicitly telling them it is OK to love and spend time with both parents.

   
   

   Remember, it is not about your conflict, it is about your kid.

   
   

2. Avoid asking questions such as:

   
   

   ·      Whose house do you like better?

   ·      Am I your favourite parent?

   ·      Am I a better cook?

   ·      Do I look after you better?

   
   

   These types of questions can place kids’ thoughts, feelings and emotions into chaos. It can make them feel as though they want to please you by answering in a way that you would like, but by doing so, they will be going against their other parent. This can result in your kid feeling guilty, stressed and upset.

   
   

3. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: showing respect for your co-parent is showing respect for your kid. By showing respect for you co-parent you can eliminate the anxiety or fear your child has associated with your co-parent conflict. As a result, this can help alleviate any stresses or worries associated with loyalty conflicts. If you are only speaking respectfully about your co-parent, your kid will feel less conflicted.

   
   

You’ve Got This

If you are a kid of divorce, I see you, I hear you and you are not alone. Loyalty conflicts are difficult to navigate. Just remember: you do not have to choose sides, focus on your own feelings and communicate where possible. You’ve got this.

Co-parents, don’t make your kids choose a side, avoid the weaponised questions and show respect for your co-parent, for your kid. You’ve got this.

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