Fault

As a kid of divorce, you can become familiar with the world ‘fault’.

The word is often thrown around in the context of:

“It’s all your father’s fault” or “It’s your mother’s fault that things are this way”.

How does this make a kid of divorce feel? Bluntly: not good.  

So, let’s break down what meaning is behind the word ‘fault’, how it can make kids of divorce feel and what kids and co-parents can do moving forward.

Whose Fault?

The very nature of divorce and separation is often associated with something not going according to plan.

As humans, co-parents often attribute the breakdown of their relationship to their co-parent’s actions. Blame and pointing of the finger often follows and the word ‘fault’ is often used.

In a way, attributing fault can be a coping mechanism or a way to make sense of it all.

So, How Does This Impact Kids?

Kids of divorce can often feel like everything is their fault.

If you’re a kid of divorce reading this, you probably understand what I mean.

If you’re a co-parent reading this, you’re probably thinking ‘huh’?

Let’s break it down:

Kids of divorce can take on a lot of responsibility both emotionally and practically.

For example, if a parent is upset because of a co-parents actions, a kid of divorce might think “ah, if only I did something different, they wouldn’t have had conflict”.

But here is the thing, it is never a kids’ fault that co-parents have conflict. It is also never a kids’ fault that their parent’s divorced in the first place.

The word and feeling of ‘fault’ and responsibility can reign strong throughout a kid of divorce’s world.

The Way Forward

Kids

I’ve said it before; I will say it a million time more:

Your parents’ divorce is not your fault.

Their thoughts, behaviours and actions are not your responsibility.

The only thing in your control are your own thoughts, behaviours and actions.

No matter how often the word ‘fault’ is thrown around, or how deeply you feel tricky scenarios that involve your parents’ conflict – it is not your fault.

Co-Parents

1.        Be explicit

No seriously, so explicit that your kids understand in no uncertain terms that your divorce and your co-parent conflict is not their fault.

Here is your script: “This is not your fault.”

Even if you think there is no way that your kid could be feeling that your divorce or a conflict-based scenario is their fault, trust me – be explicit.

2.        Be mindful of your language

The language you use is absorbed by your kid like a sponge.

Even when you are not speaking directly to your kid, if they are in ear shot, they are picking up on your words, your body language.

Something as simple as saying things like “if only I didn’t have to see my co-parent at my kids’ soccer game” can result in your kid feeling as though it is their fault for playing soccer.

Being mindful of your language and the way you communicate can help you avoid saying things that can be interpreted in a way that you never intended them to be.

3.        Keep the adult talk between the adults

Let’s be real - conversations about fault, that’s adult talk.

Keep it between the adults.

Focusing on good, healthy and safe co-parent communication should be your priority.

Making this a priority will help keep the adult talk between the adults and allow your kid to be a kid.

You are Not Alone

Whether you’re a fellow kid of divorce or a co-parent trying their absolute best – you are not alone.

You deserve to feel seen, heard and less alone as you navigate divorce, separation and family conflict.

You’ve got this.