Birthdays

As a kid of divorce, having a birthday isn’t as straight forward as one might think.

It isn’t as simple as turning a year older and celebrating.

No, there is often much more to it than that. Lets break it down. 

Why Can Birthdays Be Complicated?

Whether it's a birthday, graduation, special occasion, or any major event, kids of divorce often have extra considerations to navigate.

You might be asking yourself “what extra considerations?”.

As a kid of divorce, here are some of the extra considerations I had to navigate when events such as a birthday rolled around:

• Whose house will I be at on the day?

• Will I see both parents?

• Can I have a birthday party?

• Will I have to have two birthday parties?

• If I only have one birthday party, will both of my parents come?

• Who will be invited to the birthday party?

The list could go on, and on, and on.

But, here is the reality:

As a kid of divorce, most of the time I wouldn’t be able to answer all these questions on my own. 

Asking my parents these questions could sometimes be anxiety provoking –

What if they didn’t know the answers either?

Would I be creating conflict by bringing these questions up?

Often, I would resort to not asking these questions, dreading my upcoming birthday and just wishing it would pass.

No kid should be in this position. So, lets talk solutions!

Co-parents – Listen Up!

Co-parents, here is what what you can do to avoid putting your child in a position where they are dreading an upcoming occasion that is meant to be joyous.

1.        Play your role as the adult  

Be proactive. Plan. Communicate.

Be proactive in expecting that your kid will have the above mentioned questions.

Plan to have an answer to these questions.

Communicate the answers to these questions before your child reaches the point of dreading

their upcoming birthday. How? See point 2.

2.        Keep the adult talk between the adults

The harsh reality is that not all of the answers to the above questions will be what you or your kid might want to hear.

For example, you might want to have a single birthday party for your child with both parents there, but your co-parent might not be agreeable.

The key thing to remember here is that your conflict or disagreements with your co-parent are not your kids’ responsibility.

This is where it is so important to keep the adult talk between the adults. If you get an answer to one of the above questions that sends you into a whirlwind, remember: your kid is not your therapist. Instead, seek guidance and support from your adult support network or a professional.

This doesn’t mean you can’t communicate the very real answer that your co-parent won’t be attending the party to your child for example. In fact, the opposite applies. It is really important that you still communicate the answers to the above questions, just in an age-appropriate way and in a way that doesn’t disrespect or aim to disparage your child’s relationship with your co-parent.

3.        Remember your purpose

It is easy to forget why we do what we do. It is also easy to get caught up in co-parent conflict and complex emotions.

This is why it is always important to remember your purpose. If it’s your child’s upcoming birthday, remember that your purpose is to celebrate them. Let this purpose guide you through any co-parent conflict and help you put your child first.

Kids – Your Turn!

If you sometimes dread birthdays or special occasions, I get it, and you are not alone.

Sometimes, it can be exhausting even just thinking about how everything is going to pan out.

But here is the thing:

You cannot control the actions, thoughts or feelings of anybody but yourself.

How mum or dad react to you wanting to have a birthday party, you can’t control.

Who mum or dad want to invite to your birthday party and how each parent feels about that, you can’t control.

So, what can you control?

You can control what you think and feel and how you communicate this.

For example, if you want a birthday party with both parents there, you can control how you communicate this. You might be super brave and say “mum, I know you would like to throw me a birthday party, but I just wanted to let you know that I would really love dad to be there to.”

It is just so important to remember that you can’t control how your parents react to this. Whatever the outcome, you should be proud that you did what was in your control and communicated what you truly want.

It can be frustrating to sit back and accept that you can’t control what your parents, think, do or say. Especially when you might be thinking “you’d think they would put down their conflict for at least one day for me.”

I get it, I really do. But accepting this now can help you manage your expectations and focus only what is in your control as opposed to what is not.

I often say that I wouldn’t be the person that I am if it weren’t for my parents’ divorce – and I mean that in a good way. Without situations like this, you wouldn’t be the strong, resilient and knowledgeable person that you are right now.

It’s tough, but you’ve got this.

You Are Not Alone

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